The drama triangle

[Sam]

When we feel uncomfortable or defensive we often move into one of three positions in what transactional therapists call "The Drama Triangle". The position we choose tends to be a habitual pattern from our pasts. We do this rather than responding in a beneficial way to what is happening now. There are 3 positions in the drama triangle. Although it is possible to take up all three posts within one conversation.

The three positions are:

Victim
Rescuer
Persecutor


We are going to look at these much more closely over the coming week. In the mean time have a think.....which post would you say is more domineering in your life?


~S
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[Sam]

The two positions at the top of the above image are considered the "one-up" positions where the people feel superior. All three positions in the triangle actually have low self esteem to some degree.

The three positions are all ways we avoid being honest and continue not taking responsibility of our needs, wants and feelings.

~S

[Sam]

The Persecutor role

In this role we take up a superior punishing position. This is often through our own frustrations or because somebody/something is (more often than not, unconsciously) failing to meet our expectations.

Most obviously, the persecutor is recognised in blaming, knowing all, bullying, dominance and general aggressiveness.
Often more difficult to recognise is persecution through passivity. This could be expressed with stubborn silences or complete withdrawal.

We will continue to talk about the 3 roles here.

~S

[Sam]

The Persecutor role

In this role we take up a superior punishing position. This is often through our own frustrations or because somebody/something is (more often than not, unconsciously) failing to meet our expectations.

Most obviously, the persecutor is recognised in blaming, knowing all, bullying, dominance and general aggressiveness.
Often more difficult to recognise is persecution through passivity. This could be expressed with stubborn silences or complete withdrawal.

The Rescuer role

This role means we encourage another persons (or even animal's etc) dependence on us. Most of those in the caring profession can recognise the signs but will not always recognise that it is possible to both persecute and be a victim from the rescuer position. The more and more we go on rescuing the less and less likely the other will be able to get out of the victim position.

Some typical rescuer bahaviours are: pacifying, smoothing over differences, covering up, defending others, trying to find answers or solve peoples problems.

Either we stay stuck in a circle of making offers we wish we hadn't, making plans we will never keep and aim to sort out everyone else's lives but our own or we deal with the fact that PMDD goes hand in hand with personality disorder and sort it out. We need to confront all issues surrounding changes in our personalities then support each other, especially through the hard times.

The Victim role

While acknowledging that there are very many real victims in the world, the victim position means that we take up a helpless position or one of inferiority in relation to our environments. Rather than taking responsibility we blame others or circumstances. We avoid acting to change the situation. The victim position is easily recognised by helplessness, martyrdom, hard luck stories and protestations of weakness.

Now we have identified each of the three 'drama triangle' positions we will soon talk about how we can help ourselves.

I have noticed that at different points in my cycle I am at different positions of this triangle. I absolutely hate myself at times, I don't do anything about anything. I could curl up and die sometimes. Others I am so verbal and aggressive I am totally ashamed of myself. By looking at these maybe I can improve on how I cope with my disorder and help somebody else too.

~S

[Sam]

It is extremely important we understand that each of these positions plays an important part in maintaining balanced and healthy relationships all round.

What is not healthy is when a particular behaviour or position (most likely undesirable) becomes the dominant one. If we let it, it could cloud over the other ways we could choose to react to things and even change how we present ourselves.

Let's start with how to stop being the Persecutor.

To stop being a persecutor and begin being assertive we must firstly accept our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

Then only can we fully make use of the following tips.

Stop denying that we reject, persecute or punish others.

Express our needs and feelings whilst maintaining respect for others.

Learn from our mistakes.

Mind our own business.

Stop judging others.

Accept other people can have their own opinion.

Don't blame and shame.

Be assertive.

You may not feel like you are a 'persecutor' but I know that at times when I am suffering quite badly with my symptoms that I develop a need to stay in control, I use criticisms, I am self righteous, deny any form of weakness and I use anger or silence to deal with changes.

~S

[Sam]

If you feel that you fall into the rescuer position you may find moving from being a rescuer to being more caring an easy transition.

We must firstly stop basting our own self esteem. Stop drowning ourselves with compliments because 'everybody comes to u' Really! Have you even taken a look at your own issues? I never did. It's so easy to pretend that everything is perfect when we are dealing with everybody else's issues. What are we hiding from though? Our selves? Are we that scared to see our true colours that we paint on that superhero mask and disassociate by fixing everybody else. Stop letting people depend on you. What's the worst that could happen? Somebody else helps them? Fortunately people can manage without our input. We need to stop feeling sorry for them and helping them out. Again this is making them depend on us Is it even really helping? If you always lend money they will never learn to save, if you always make the banquet they will never cook and if you pick up all the pieces every time a glass gets dropped then you are going to have an awful lot of people throwing glasses.

I think we could benefit from sharing experiences and not advising. What works for you may not work for me. My input is different to yours and my result will never be the same.

We need to set limits on our caring and learn how to say NO.

Hopefully these tips will help us step away from trying to be superwoman and fix everybody's issues. We need to sort our own.

~S

[Sam]

Apr 15, 2016 20:28:55 GMT Sam said:

If you feel that you fall into the rescuer position you may find moving from being a rescuer to being more caring an easy transition.

We must firstly stop basting our own self esteem. Stop drowning ourselves with compliments because 'everybody comes to u' Really! Have you even taken a look at your own issues? I never did. It's so easy to pretend that everything is perfect when we are dealing with everybody else's issues. What are we hiding from though? Our selves? Are we that scared to see our true colours that we paint on that superhero mask and disassociate by fixing everybody else. Stop letting people depend on you. What's the worst that could happen? Somebody else helps them? Fortunately people can manage without our input. We need to stop feeling sorry for them and helping them out. Again this is making them depend on us Is it even really helping? If you always lend money they will never learn to save, if you always make the banquet they will never cook and if you pick up all the pieces every time a glass gets dropped then you are going to have an awful lot of people throwing glasses.

I think we could benefit from sharing experiences and not advising. What works for you may not work for me. My input is different to yours and my result will never be the same.

We need to set limits on our caring and learn how to say NO.

Hopefully these tips will help us step away from trying to be superwoman and fix everybody's issues. We need to sort our own.

~S

We need to learn how to give ourselves permission to feel guilty and then not act on it. It really isn't easy but we can do it and the good news is that in time it will become much easier. Don't kid yourself though because we are definitely going to feel uncomfortable. After all, it is unnatural (at the moment) for us to sit with this feeling and not act upon it. We shouldn't assume things about people...these people may have strengths we/they don't even know about. Never underestimate the power of a person when they have to help themselves.

I don't think there is any harm in listening, just maybe try not to do anything. Are we really helping them?

Yes, I think we are!

Helping them to rely on everybody else for resources and hindering their personal development. That's just my personal opinion.

Surely we should mix with positive and influential people who make us feel good about ourselves. You know that old saying...a friend in need is a friend indeed?! Well....I want a friend indeed not just friends who need.

~S

[Sam]

To stop being a victim we must admit our own vulnerability and pain without lashing out at anyone. We shouldn't expect people to rescue or help us out. It's not their job. Build on our own self belief. Take action and build your self esteem by recognising that you do have power and you can use it.

We are ok people, probably more than just ok but we need to learn to accept this for ourselves. Don't beat yourself down. There are plenty of others who would love that job, you'll only make it easier.

~S